1337 5p34k

[Jatrulak]

Original found HERE

Lazy Guide to Net Culture: stfu n00bxx0r

STEWART KIRKPATRICK
skirkpatrick at scotsman dot com


If you want to appear like you're at the cutting edge of net culture but can't be bothered to spend hours online, then never fear. Scotsman.com's pathetic team of geeks, freaks and gimps will do the hard work for you. While you sip wine, read a book or engage in normal social interaction, they will burn out their retinas staring at badly designed web pages and dodge creeps in chatrooms to prepare for you: Scotsman.com's lazy guide to net culture.

After a long period of reflection I have finally realised that the time has come to add obscene messages to urgent corporate documents.


My reasoning runs thus: urgent corporate documents form part of my life. I have no interest in urgent corporate documents. When urgent corporate documents become part of my life, my vision goes a shade of vermillion, I can smell blood and the wails of the doomed fill my ears. Then I have to circulate the urgent corporate documents for comments because I cannot escape them because I am trapped in the world of urgent corporate documents. Imagine Sisyphus with a pathological hatred of rocks and you get the idea.

However, I have noticed that all urgent corporate documents have one thing in common. (Two things if you include using the word "action" as a verb.) All the ones that cross my desk and crush my soul have complicated detailed footers at the bottom, giving file name, location and version number.

It is here that I have decided to hide obscenities.

Of course, this is a pointless and immature thing to do, so I have decided to use the medium of "leet speak" as it is the epitome of pointless and immature.

Leet speak or "1337 sp34k" is a means of communication popular with "the young people" on the internet. Its name dervies from "elite", suggesting the user has "mad skillz". It makes heavy use of jargon, acronyms and the replacement of letters with numbers. For instance, the term "newbie", meaning someone who has recently joined an online community, becomes "noob" then "n00b". This is never a compliment and is often used to describe someone doing something stupid beyond words. They might be instructed to "STFU n00b", meaning "pray, be quiet" in the sense of "SHUT THE F*** UP". One might even make the term "n00b" even more derogatory by mixing it with the sometimes mocking term for a hacker ("h4xxor") and describing someone as a "n00bxxor".

So it is that the next time I get lumbered with a monstrously stupid proposal (such as tranlsating the entirety of scotsman.com into Walloon and making it only available to Librans) I will resist the urge to embark on a violent rampage and instead merely tweak the footer so it reads like this:

X:/VBX7/Urgent_Corporate_Documents/a49m/Actioning_Deliverables/STFU n00bxxor/Project_Walloon_Librans/

When whichever crazed proposal finally dies and goes to the big boardroom in the sky, I will then take great delight in further tweaking it:

X:/VBX7/Urgent_Corporate_Documents/a49m/Actioning_Deliverables/
pwn3d/Project_Walloon_Librans/

"Pw3d" meaning "owned" meaning "completely and utterly defeated".

If, however, the Libran Walloon project does not die as quickly as it should, I will express my terror and loathing in this manner:

X:/VBX7/Urgent_Corporate_Documents/a49m/Actioning_Deliverables/
WTF_ph34r/Project_Walloon_Librans/

WTF means "what the flip(?)". Ph34r means fear (the "e" becomes a "3", the "a" becomes a "4"). Others prefer ph33r.

For other variations, I will be checking out the 1337 sp34k guid3.(<-- Link here, see original)

I will avoid the very entertaining Uncyclopedia(<-- Link here, see original) guide which gives definitions that are the exact opposite of the phrases' meanings. According to the site, instead of "Rolling On the Floor Laughing My Ass Off", ROFLMAO apparently means "Really Onto Feeling and Licking Mao Zedong", which I prefer in many ways.

Finally, there is the automatic , which claims to translate from English to 1337. Symbolic of many online communities, it doesn't work, and instead boasts a sign simply saying "Go away".(<-- Link here, see original)

Perhaps I will one day embrace that admirably direct approach.(<-- Link here, see original)

Funny read; also liked the first link, the 1337 sp34k guid3.

[Jikaabx]

Leet Speak is the dumbest thing I've EVER seen.  I can't stand it.

[Jikaabx]

I HATE LEET SPEAK! IT'S STUPID AND EXTREMELY ANNOYING! SIMILAR TO TYPING IN ALL CAPS!  :lol:

[Khauruk]

CAPS MAKES THINGS FUNNIER LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

[Saniiro]

1337 5P34K 1N 4LL C4P5!!!!!!!!

[Jikaabx]

Leet speak in all CAPS is even worse... /vomit