Tears of Blood

[Kimiki]

Night fell over the moon city, Shar Vahl, and a kitten slept soundly on a small, velvet pillow made just for her. Her father, Iao Skyhaven quietly stepped close to her, his paw gently stroking her innocent face. She was about 5 now, her features were purely kitten-like. "A beastmaster in the making."

He grinned, turning to his wife, Kisami, who was watching him lovingly. "She means a lot to you, doesn't she?" His wife whispered, careful not to awake the sleeping kit. "What do you mean?" "Well.. You're very protective of her." The cat-man grinned a bit, looking at the kit once more before turning back to face his wife. "She's my only kitten.. And you know I have to go fight those damn Grimlings soon.. I just want her to be well taken care of."  Kisami grinned at him, standing up to his challenging remark, "And you think I can't take care of Kimiki while you are away, do you?" She said this in good humor, and Iao laughed softly. "You know I didn't mean it like that." They both retired into their bedroom.

Kimiki poked an eye open, still laying quietly on the pillow, her little green eyes darted around as her small, lion-colored paws pushed herself up off her bed. Quickly, she darted out of the small house. Running quickly, panting in the excitement of her daring escape. A guard caught her by suprise as he walked around a corner, he hadn't noticed her yet, and she darted into a small crevice separating two houses. The cougar-guard walked past, whistling a cheerful tune as his armor rattled down the street.

Kimki raced out of the crevice and down an alley way, where she quickly met up with many other small kittens. Small wooden armor and weapon pieces were scattered along the floor, clearly no one else used this alley way, as it was dirty.

"Kimiki, you're late!" The large, black kitten whispered loudly. "Sorry, my parents wouldn't go to sleep." Kimiki whispered back challengingly. Without another word they all picked up their armor and weapons, Kimiki only wore a wooden breastplate. She had no wooden sword or spear. "I" she whispered proudly. "Am Kimiki, the Beastlord, I follow in my fathers pawsteps!" Soon, the smallest one, weilding two wooden swords and full-wooden body armor shouted as quietly as possible, "I am Tarlok! Warrior!" Soon all the little ones shouted out their desired positions, and began play fighting. They practiced their 'abilities' on one another, trying to stay as quiet as possible amidst their excitement.

------------5 years later------------

 Kimiki was now slightly matured, she began maturely selecting her desired class, though it would be a few years before she began training. Her father was still at war with the Grimlings, though he had been home for the past week, and was expected back to the Forest the next. Kimiki was planning an adventure of her own.

She would go with him.

Immediately she asked. "Father? Father! Can.. I come with you, when you have to go back to Grimling Forest?" Iao pretended to think about it for a few seconds before replying. "No, kitten, it's far too dangerous there."

Kimiki's mind was set. She knew she shouldn't ask him again, instead, she would prove to him she was ready for an adventure. Ready to no longer be named a kitten, an be a full-grown Beastlord! She'd follow him, quietly follow his footsteps. Finally she'd reveal herself to him, and having proven her sneaky abilities, he'd have to believe she was ready, right?

All week she packed things she thought she'd need. Her wooded chestplate, a few wooden daggers. Food, water. By the time she was all prepared, it was time for Iao to leave. He kissed Kisami and Kimiki goodbye, then quickly set out the door, backpack strapped to his back, many weapons securely tied around his body.

Kimiki started out about ten minutes after him, her mother didn't ask any questions, because she was in the bedroom, cleaning. Her backpack clanged as she ran quickly down the long bridge, no guards asking questions because she appeared like she was traveling with her father, though he was a ways ahead.

She followed him for hours, resting only when he rested, ate when he ate making sure to stay out of sight. She felt accomplished, and big. Finally, they reached it. The Grimling Forest. She dreamt of it, this glorious forest where her father fought valiantly for the honor of Shar Vahl, and it was everything she dreamed it would be. Beauty surrounded it, no wonder the Grimlings wanted it so badly.

Her father entered, and after a few moments, she entered, her father talked to a few men at the settlement area before walking into the forestry, again, she followed, hiding within a tiny rock crevice. She watched him intently, proudly as he fought the first bunch of Grimlings. He made it look so easy as his weapons pierced, his claws slashed. It was amazing.

Then something happened.
 Something horrid.

 Grimlings were surrounding him, more and more came as if they had some silent sign of showing trouble was coming. Her mind raced, surely this happened often, surely he could maneuver masterfully to get rid of them all. But this wasn't so, they tore at him, clawing, slashing. He was becoming injured, and fast.

I have to save him! She said to herself. Any second now.. My bravery will muster and like the brave Beastlord my father is I will run out there with a brilliant battle cry, and slay those disgusting beasts! .. Yes, any.. minute.

Still, she could do nothing, she knew she couldn't in the beginning. She had no training.. She had nothing but a wooden chestplate and a wooden spear. What good was she?

It happened too quickly. A final Grimling came running, spear in dirty hand, as he raced towards her father, piercing him through the heart. Kimiki yelled when he did. She wanted to run out there, embrace her father and tell him he would be okay. Tears streamed down her face as the Grimlings walked away, proudly. She watched her idol fall to the ground. Suddenly he looked at her, and smiled, he saw her! She could only stare at her father in horror. She had many pictures of him, but none such as this.. His eyes closed as his soul was carried out into the distance.

"NO!" She cried, racing out when the coast was clear, hugging her dead father. She wept at the end of innocence, embraced adulthood. She swore to follow her father, her idols footsteps. She swore vengance.



(Any commentary is appreciated. I've never really done a story like this, and am interesting in critiquing.)

[Merescata]

more is the only thing I can think to say :)

[NoxCruor]

As an avid reader of people who write RP stories, and also one who writes many as well, please do not take what I say personally.  Hopefully this will be constructive critisism for you, and not a bashing.  I only have one piece of critisism right now, but as you write more (which I pray you do..it's a dang good story :)  ), I may have some more inputs for you, if you still want them.

Here's what I suggest:  Instead of saying "then something happened", spice it up.  Build to that moment.  Readers love the building of events which lead to a massacre.  I don't know why, but they just do.  But back to the subject.  The readers know that sooner or later, judging from what you have already written, that something would inspire Kimiki which would inevitably (sp?) make her further her training as a bst.  The way you have it is very good, and very well written.  As I said before, it's a dang good story.  But do not be afraid of detail.  Put yourself in the place of the moment.  Maybe something caught her attention in the corner of her eye, like movement.  After looking closely, and moving towards the movement, she noticed several grimlings with spears in their hands, lying in wait for the command.  Or maybe there would be some kind of horn which would signal the attack.  Or yeah, maybe some form of telepathy is what was used.  All of these are possibilities.

What I find helps when writing about another race that I don't play with, or can't, like the grimlings, is research and observation.  If I can, I'll create characters to talk to the NPC's, get a general feeling of what the over all mood is.  Dwarves are good examples of this:  "What are ye doin' 'ere, lad?  WHERE'S MUH ALE?!!"  If I can't interact with the NPC's, then I watch them.  Find out little tricks and quarks that they do as a race which clearly defines them as seperate and unique.  Here's an example:  I was trying to figure out what the overall mentality would be of a bunch of wood elves on the Sister Isle in OOT.  I didn't want to create a new character, so I watched them (invis mind you) with my main at the time, which was a DE Necro.  Just through observing, I took notice of patrols they do, interaction between wood elves (had trouble witnessing this, so I went to Kelethin), and what not.  Just by watching, I found out generally how wood elves are percieved in the game, thus, it only enhanced my writing ability because I was able to incorperate that into my actual story.

Anyway, I'm rambling, sorry.  These are just inputs from an old writer and RPer.  Hope they didn't offend you, and only inspire you to write more.  Just remember, detail is your friend when telling a story.  But to much of it, can kill the purpose of the tale.

I say again, write more, and soon :)  I like the story and am interested in seeing the progression of her life.  Does she go to the outpost to report the incident to the commander, knowing that if she does, word will get back to her mother?  Will she go home, keep silent, and simply claim she was playing with friends?  Later on, will she pursue the path of a beastlord with a streak of anger running through her?  Would this streak possibly corrupt her spirit later on in her future as a beastlord, to where another character of another race and deity would bring her over to that side (ie:  iksar following cazic, or DE following Innoruuk)?  These are all questions running through my mind.  I must have more!  lol.

[Warrl]

excellent story as is I loved it. more please

[Kimiki]

Thank you very much for your critisism, I'll work very hard, and try to make another one with your suggestions in mind. This is my first story, so I'm glad I did okay. :)


Again, thank you.

[Kimiki]

Additionally, I'll try to post more on the story when ideas start coming. I'll try to make it better than the first!

[NoxCruor]

You'll find very quickly that when you're on a roll with writing that once you get into a rhythem, and things start flowing, it's very diffacult to stop.  When you realize that's what's happening to you, here's a tip.  DON'T STOP!!  Some of your best work will come out of that.  Trust me :)  And again, your story was very very good.